Chasing my Japanese dream.. whenever I look back and reminisce the times I would close my eyes, just to feel, pretend I'm a highschool student in a kawaii seifuku uniform.. spending her saturday and sunday in Harajuku dressed up in frilly lolita dresses.. I remember myself praying so hard, asking myself.. how can I make these dreams come true? How could an average girl like me go to Japan just like how my brother Eric did? Or like other achievers too?
My grades had always been.. just average (I'm a C+ student, I guess). For my super-sized dreams, average won't be enough. With best effort, all I could do was to get myself the "so-so" grades. Competition is high, surely the schools I'm rooting for in Japan would base their choices from the report cards + college essays filled with flowery words of the applicants (as my brother would describe his submitted essays, haha). No matter how hard I study for Math & all those technical subjects.. I knew that Kaila's best self-studying skills would just give average results (I would like to believe & tell myself that I'm blessed to be given other set of skills instead, haha). I had a feeling that there would be high chance of not getting a scholarship.. but how would I really know if I didn't try? So I tried, gave my all (even asked a friend to tutor me, you know who you are, thank you ^^ )....
... and yet I still failed.
But you know why? Those tearful nights of feeling bad & shitty were worth it.
Because despite the worst doki-doki nights.. I felt that trying became a mastered skill for me. I learned that in life, if you want to have something, you gotta risk it all.
Because if I didn't try hard enough + fail just to disappoint myself in the end.. I wouldn't be able to build this kind of resiliency I have right now.
Some people would probably think that I'm crazy for thinking of failures as a good thing. For me, trying & failing is much okay than simply "wondering" & being half-assed about your dream. Because when you try & you fail, and you decide that failure is still good experience (if you turn any negative result to a positive and a learning) & suddenly, you have more ways to achieve whatever you dream of getting.
When I left home.. I wasn't really prepared. I even surprised myself (and everyone) because I just fell in love with someone (more about this in the next chapter, haha). In the end, you just have to be firm with what you want to do with your life.
There are always trade-offs when you have to make a decision. You can't have it all but you can learn a lot when you step out of your comfort zones. The good and the bad... enjoy and learn from it all. :-)