What I Think About Love

The most life-changing event in my life was when I was forced to grow up from a whiny girl  to this strong woman (that I have always envisioned myself to be). Sometimes it is embarrassing to reveal this fact about me but I figured that any survival story a person has... is not something to be embarrassed about. :-)

When I thought my life was falling apart (diagnosed with gallbladder disease + i didn't see direction + i simply lost my drive + first heartbreak), it was the turning point of everything.

It was when I stopped looking for love in the wrong places. Love from attachment, love from the wrong person, love from external factors.. I was having work problems, I kept on turning myself to this "kawaii person" who didn't really feel beautiful inside... and my past love then started feeling otherwise about me.. insecurities and all the negative emotions, I had to keep and hide it all inside. I lost weight (for all the wrong reasons), lost my "cool" and started begging for a relationship that was doomed to end.

I am the type of person who does her best in everything. But what I learned was... when love is not being given freely by another person and you have to put your best foot forward to impress & keep it together ALONE... then it must not be love. It was neediness. And I was that needy girl. I was afraid to be alone again. After that, I promised myself that I won't be that person again and I have to figure out what exactly what I want.. from a man, and not just settle with someone just to make me feel less lonely.

When I thought that the end of my relationship with him was (that time, he was the only person I would talk to about my problems with homesickness, everyday, etc.) would break me.. it was when I started to be appreciative of the little things around me. I was so engrossed about my heartbreak & being selfish, neglecting the fact that I have family and friends who love me are present and have always been there &.... my dreams were slowly coming true...! The day I finally realized my (golden lolol) worth, I felt much stronger..

.... and it finally hit me that if you know your worth, nobody can make you feel less.. unless you permit him/her. In the end, it is your choice.  Happiness is a choice. If a not-so-good event happens to you, you can let it define you.. or change you to a better person. I chose to become better. And to be the best person I could ever be.

At first, I was bitter.. bitter about love. I thought I could not ever forgive someone who had hurt me and brought me such pain... but then, as months went on when I began to start loving my own life.. my own self, I began to forgive this person. If you hold resentments and all those negative feelings towards a person who had caused you pain, you also create pain for yourself. I began to realize that maybe, some people are not just meant to stay in your life forever.. but they are still.. some kind of angels. Angels with an expiration date. Angels who leave you..  with learnings. :-)

Moving on (first heartbreak is always tough I guess, hehe) was a difficult phase for me. There were instances during my attempts to forget, I would contact him again. I found it hard to trust my feelings to another / new person again.. because I felt like a victim and that I didn't deserve such. I made myself appear to be a victim. With prayers everytime I would wake up and sleep.. * help & love from family and friends.. no-contact days became months... and became years. And I don't play victim anymore, because I know I am a winner (of my own game). :-)

To those who are currently having a hard time to let go and move on, my advice would be.. try with all your might to stop thinking of all the "if's" and.. learn a lot from what happened, instead of trying to over-think & analyze the situations in the past. Treat this time as a "single".. as an opportunity for yourself. A longer "me-time" when you can upgrade yourself & do everything that you want.

It didn't make any sense at all before... why God had to make me feel so alone by losing someone who was important... Now, I feel that it was a huge blessing in disguise for me. I am really glad that this happened early in my life. After that, I realized exactly know what I want .. and who I want to be.. when love finds me. By then, I'll be ready. And I will love with eyes open now, haha! :D

I choose to be patient, to focus more on myself... to become the happiest that I can be, without having someone as a reason for it..  and of course, to become this "irresistible" lady that no man would ever think of rejecting + tossing away + play games with again. I choose to acknowledge & feel the current love that I have around me, and the love that I am building for myself.

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After A While

A poem by Veronica Shoftshall (1971)

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept
your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child

And you learn to build
all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn
that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...


We shouldn't look for love.

(I wrote this during Valentine's... a year ago?)

After my heartbreak, I concentrated on building Japan Lover Me with friends. I was gone from facebook for sometime (deactivated my personal account for 3 months +).

I was so driven... that the universe conspired with my kawaii dreams (chosen as Kawaii Leader, etc.). @_@

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I think that what Paulo Coelho has written in his book is true,

“Life has many ways of testing a person's will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.” 

Everything happened before... to prepare me for everything right now.

And everything happening right now is preparing me for a bright future ahead. :-)

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Dear future love, I will wait! And please wait for me too, haha!

Because I know you are someone worth waiting for. <3

(oh the cheese)

(P.S. And this article is so spot on, by the way.)

One thought on “What I Think About Love

  1. Miss Alpaca

    I feel very identified with what you said. I’m going through a time like you spent (similar) in this moment and your words motivate me a lot to go.
    Sorry, my english is bad (really bad). Have a nice day!
    “Abrazos esponjosos!” – Miss Alpaca

    Reply

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