Almost two years.
For others, it’s a short period of time. For me, it felt like much longer.
Weeks ago, I was able to fly to Manila for a short period time (9 days).
I didn’t tell a lot of people about it because it was just too short and impossible for me to catch up with everybody. I finally went home not because there was an event or some family-related emergency. It was because I was truly homesick and I wanted to see my family and I just had to take a pause from everything.
“Omg, my nieces have grown too fast…”
“My parents have more white hair now!”
Just thinking about my parents getting older would already me feel anxious (especially when they tell me that their health is not doing good). I would sometimes feel guilty for not spending a lot of time with them when they have more energy. Sometimes, I’d wish that my mom had given me birth earlier (not when she was in late 30s lol) because I find myself being always torn between: 1) chasing my wildest dreams that could take years, and 2) slowing down to have time with my people.
After being more aware about time (the past 3 years?), I decided that I’d have to do my best with what I have here so I can help and provide more at home. Our parents will not forever stay fit and healthy, so might as well make the most of the opportunities / moments you are with them. I always pray that I would have enough time to do everything. Again, this is my brain just over-thinking as always.
Me to me (Kaila, please repeat 10x times a day):
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
― Lao Tzu
Up to now, It is still very hard. I always feel like I’ve been missing out on important things. I’ve been here in Japan for 7 years and I don’t think that there would be a day I would not miss home or think about the people that I love there. sigh
It’s always a hard question for me when people ask me which country I would prefer over the other. I don’t think I can ever just choose one.
Philippines is where I feel home because of my family and friends (friendships that have survived the test of time lol). Japan is where I feel I can make my dreams come true “more efficiently”. I really wanted to go home last year (or earlier this year) but because of financial limitations (I had to prioritize saving up for my dad’s treatment, #adulting in Japan, and such), I had to divert my attention & convert all these sad feelings of wanting to see home more often into finding ways on how to earn and save money (+ how to strategically schedule everything) so I could do so. Lucikly, I was able to make it (barely). There must have been some divine intervention that happened… and that is why I am also thankful for the extra luck! To people who support me through patreon / rainbowholic shop / youtube, please know that you help me a lot!
There are many times here that I would feel the weight of the entire world on my shoulders. But of course, knowing my stubborn personality, I know that I would somehow find a way to pick myself every time I break down. I hope that someday, it wouldn’t be much of a rollercoaster ride like what it is now. I really, really, really… hope. I do promote positivity through my work but what people are not really are of is that it takes a huge effort from my side to get myself to be in that good energy zone where I’d feel unstoppable and I can take anything. Maybe I was really born as a fighter, lol.
Enough of the ramblings and let me already share what happened in Philippines, haha!