Last week, I’ve made a big decision which has been truly helpful so far.
Hmm… what could it be?? Lol ~
I’ve taken a break from most social media platforms.
This might not be a big deal to some people, but it is definitely a big one for me. If you’re someone who puts herself out there in the internet world, we cannot deny that social media really play a role especially if your work relies on it too (for commissioned posts / promotions / announcements).
To be honest, social media is like both a cure and a poison for me. Poison is a little bit strong of a word but you know what I mean, haha. Yes, it’s everyone’s cure for boredom. On the other hand, it can also be an unconscious addiction. It was becoming a latter for me to the point it was being unhealthy. Not that I feel insecure or compare myself to people I follow because I actually feel admiration towards them haha.. it’s more like I get sooooo distracted and I lose precious time! (Kaila, stop exploring hashtags! LOL)
If only I could have a duplicate Kaila who could update her ig often and not feeling stressed at the same time, lol. But let’s be real, I’m only one person. If you sent me a DM and I wasn’t able to reply, I really don’t check my unread inboxes because I just feel overwhelmed and not in a good way most of the time. If I feel relaxed at that time, I enjoy opening it. If not, it has this other effect.. huhu. #sorrynotsorry
My phone is so slow now and I’m actually happy about it because it prevents me from opening instagram / twitter apps. Not sure if I will be back (as of now, I don’t feel like going back) and I think that if people are really interested in me / the content that I do, they can just always access it through my blog or youtube. That’s how it was when I started blogging a decade ago.
Bloghopping was a huge thing, haha! I still do it now and I even search for blogs for inspiration. Not sure if it’s the same with everyone!
To add, I just wanna share some realizations lately. I’m really thankful that I’ve learned these!
The first would be..
… I’m finally saying no to things / people that I’m not comfortable about / with (without feeling any guilt).
To explain the first one, I’ve finally had the courage to confront people who ask too much from me. Sure, I am “Rainbowholic” online and which makes me an “online personality” (I guess) but it doesn’t mean that I should be just out there pleasing people lol. I could say that in general, I’m a nice person (but I’m not really nice if somebody treats me poorly haha. I call them out privately without being rude but being constructive). If I don’t reply to you (considering the fact we’re not friends in real life or we haven’t met at all), it doesn’t mean that I’m a bad blogger / creator / online persona. It just means that I’m preoccupied with many things. I cannot even call my family back home as often that I should be.. so I don’t get it why people have to feel entitled for replies? I really try my best to respond to people to show them that I appreciate their support (I schedule a part of my day in a week to reply). Ridiculous as it may sound, there are people like that who expect too much from people that they “look up to”. There was someone who really tried to make me feel bad / guilty for years by leaving me many messages and for the first time ever, I’ve finally mustered up enough energy (my energy is precious, have to control where it goes) to tell her honestly about my uncomfortable feelings. I’m happy though that she took it nicely in the end and it didn’t end bloody, lol. I should have done it sooner. No regrets though, we really all just learn, ne?
And is it just me but I find it weird when people follow up on you by leaving comments on your posts by leaving “I sent you a dm / msg / email, please reply!”? I don’t do that because I don’t like pressuring people, lol. We should all just enjoy social media without the pressure but we cannot deny that pressure is always there.. sigh.
The second one I’ve learned is about letting go of attachment.
When I started going on hiatus on instagram, I started to felt more free and less anxious. FREE BIRD!!
I don’t have to update every day / every certain number of days. I’m living in the moment more. I get to study Japanese more. I’ve finished many things that I used to procrastinate on. I have started trying out different craft projects. I’ve begun to just focus on the joy of creating content, than just splitting my creative energy for creation & promotion. I’ve started learning everyday while creating.
I feel neutral about instagram now. I can absolutely live without it. Sure, it does boost my online presence more but I’ve realized that maybe, focusing on my blog / SEO / youtube would be healthier. I don’t even use my personal facebook now (just for FB messenger). I just have to keep the @rainbowholic ig username so noone can use, haha! I suddenly had more confidence in a sense that I have this conversation in my mind already- “You know what Kaila, if people really want to support you or curious about you, they can just go visit your blog / youtube. And if they don’t, it doesn’t really matter. You’re already happy with what you do! “.
It has also reminded me that the world is so big out there to discover and if you know that you have a problem about getting distracted too easily (my weak point haha), you really have to learn how to be less “attached”. Whenever I get random comments (the ones from trolls lol), I try to look at it from another perspective instead of confirming it as my truth. I may be crazy but I even heart comments that would be considered very rude, lol. What has happened to me?! Haha! Thankfully, I haven’t received an extremely rude comment (don’t wanna jynx lol). There’s an exception though (just being a female human lol).. if I’m moody that day, I just delete haha.
And to end this reflection paper blog post, let me answer again the questions written as the blog post’s title.
How have I been?
I’ve been great. I’ve been feeling refreshed even if I have to juggle many things at the moment. I am enjoying my offline life more. I’m going back to the core of it all.
Why do I create?
I create for myself, primarily. It makes me happy and makes me more appreciative of life, which is really important. I get to learn many things during the journey of creation of itself. Years ago, I just wanted to improve my basic video editing. Now, I think that I’ve really improved since then! When I rewatch my videos or reread my previous blog posts, I always have this happy nostalgic feeling “Oh, I had so much fun that day!” or “Wow, I’ve grown a lot from since then!“. My favorite video is even the one with the least views, haha!
Second reason would be me hoping that the creations I put out there would spark hope / creativity / joy inside any person. It is not my goal to show off the blessings I’m enjoying right now but more of, “Hey, if she could do this, maybe I could too?“.
I have more reasons but they’re actually just optional, to think of it. As long as I keep the first “why”, then I feel like I’m still on the right track.
(I hope so, haha!)
Thanks for reading up to this point and I’ll continue to just do my best more and enjoy every step.