Since it is still fitting to blog about love (it is February after all), I thought of writing about one of my highly-requested topics from my female readers... and it is about how to fully move on / get over your past. : )
Doodled above are just some of my tips on how to move on.
I'm far from a "relationship" expert so I am just sharing what I did to fully heal & become this happy life-lovin' gal that I am now. : )
I promised myself before that once I am fully healed from the hurt and resentments.. I would share it to others.
And you know me.. once I feel that my life lessons can help others too, I wouldn't hesitate to share my struggle-turned-success stories. ^^
Just to give you guys a background of my situation (since we all have different kinds of love, hehe~).. I've had one serious relationship before. I've had few infatuations / crushes here and there (do Korean boyband members count? LOLOL. It's hard to move on when they get new girlfriends haha) and basically that's just it.. so far (lololol). I cannot remember how many years it has been but we don't talk anymore (I think it's the best for the both of us). We got together before I moved to Japan (around 4 years ago?), and had a long distance relationship for a year or so. Since it was my first ever commitment (never thought I would, at 19 haha. that's how of a planner I am when it comes to my life lol).. I kinda took it hard. Of course, rejections in any FORM.. would sting & can be painful. Rejections can make a person feel bitter and insecure, and it's normal. But what I've learned is.. that kind of feeling shouldn't be dragged too long. I also had an ideal perspective about relationships (that my first boyfriend would also be my last.. or "the one").. but I guess, it does not apply to everyone. And some people do get into a couple of relationships before meeting the person they are meant to be with. It's a case-by-case basis for each person I guess. : )
I am the type of girl who'd take "commitment" seriously. And I wouldn't easily fall in love with someone I wouldn't imagine to be part of my future (I weigh all the pros and cons haha). I would rather be single in my twenties than have a complicated series of love life (lololol series??).. I guess that's just really me, and I'm being unapologetic about it. And honestly, I am having fun with my current work and daily activities. Basically I just treat the love life part as an addition. I used to also think that life would be "complete" if you had a special someone with you to celebrate special days and whatnots. But not anymore. : )
Before we broke up, we had a "cool-off" period which I didn't really understand. A month ago, he sent me a love letter with all those promises and lalala. 2 months ago (forgot), he and his family visited me in Japan as well. So I was literally... @_____@ ;___; TT_TT. Also, that time, I was undergoing a lot of pressure about my identity / work / dreams. It was funny because I think there was a time when I would tell my past that "I wonder when we would ever argue with each other?".. and then, those days happened everyday, woops. When I felt that he was beginning to drift away from me.. being the needy girl that I used to be, I would try to "fix" our relationship. To the point that I even conspired with this person's father that I would surprise him by booking an impulsive airplane ticket just to see him. I thought that maybe, if we saw each other and maybe he just missed me... we would be back to normal.
But I went home to Japan, crying my heart and eyes out. A heartbroken Kaila went home from Narita to Saitama. The next day, I had to pack up and get ready for my first ever blog / travel opportunity in Europe.
At that time, I didn't know what to feel. I was given a huge opportunity to represent Japan / PH (or maybe Asia?) for a brand launch in Amsterdam in Netherlands. I remember putting on eye make-up and it hurt a lot to put fake eyelashes. It was just so hard to enjoy and turn off your emotions when you are feeling unloved, ugly and unwanted inside. On outside, I was the rainbowholic girl with a half-hearted smile. I remember not having enough sleep, and just crying while in the shower like it was the end of the world.
I didn't know that it was the beginning instead. The beginning of all my dreams to slowly come true one after the another. (Months later, I was chosen as the kawaii leader. ;_;)
During my flight back to Japan.. I had my first encounter with the painful "gallstone attack". Maybe it was because of all the delicious cheese (I couldn't eat cheese before) I just gulped down in Amsterdam (because of my blank state, I just gulped down everything lol).. So after my trip, I was blogging inside a hospital room in Japan. My sis-in-law was to give birth anytime while I was being sent to a hospital in an ambulance. I spent 1 week inside a small white room, often asking God to help me understand things. Why I got a gallbladder infection (stress in all levels), why the person I depended on so much left me, why I was not happy about my life..
And the rest is history. I think I almost cried everyday, right before I sleep.. I thought that maybe if we did break up, and we didn't contact for a certain period.. we would still be back together. Until one day, we met again (both in Manila)... and I found out, that months later after he broke up with me (with the reason: space... dot dot dot).. he already had someone new. *_*
For a girl who takes commitment seriously, it was quite shattering. The truth was so hard to swallow. I never showed how frail, vulnerable and heartbroken I was until the moment I realized I could be easily replaced like that in a few months. That those sweet promises, lavish gifts, love letters.. that I really believed.. weren't true anymore.
How do you continue after that? How do you move on? What the f* was wrong with me? I did my best.. but it wasn't enough?
I had a lot of questions in my mind. So much confusion. The person who meant the world to me. The person who I thought wouldn't trade me for anything.. left me.
But now, I know that.. it was indeed the greatest thing that has happened to me. I realized that I shouldn't lower my value based on someone's perception about me.
It was tough to move on. I was quite guilty because I was so desperate for a true friend to be there, to console me.. to hear my one-sided sentiments. One day, I decided to get away from everything. I deactivated my facebook, created a new one just for "work" and for really really close friends / family. I was gone from the world (though I still struggled with Rainbowholic). I realized that I should just get myself busy and drown myself with work. I slowly unfollowed him from everywhere. Deleted the numbers, all possible connections.. so that I wouldn't be tempted to beg for the love that wasn't meant for me.
It was tough, I've had relapses. 2 months passed, and I was still missing him. Whenever I would come home from a fun meet-up with friends, I would come home crying. I lost a lot of weight. I was homesick and depressed. I would often get painful gallstone attacks. Sad things were happening in my life, and I was adding more fuel to the fire by playing a victim & having self-destructive thoughts.
“The victim mindset dilutes the human potential. By not accepting personal responsibility for our circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them.” - Steve Maraboli
And then I started to make more effort. I told myself, "Kaila, you will survive this shit. You have to. You have to be SUCCESSFUL! Forget about that guy."
Lololol those were really my thoughts before, haha. Since I'm already so honest here, why not go all the way hahaha. If you're mad, then you're mad. Even a kawaii girl can get real mad, hahaha.
I read tons of self-help and motivating blogs and articles. Watched "How To Be Happy" videos. Created a playlist of upbeat and empowering songs. I talked to my friends and family more. I drowned myself with my dreams and my action plans. I went out, exercised and ran. Got a new hair, colored it all black again (from blonde).. and gave myself a treat with new clothes. New Kaila. GOAL: From Weak Girl to Dream Woman hihihi. Just like Sachi commented on my previous entry..
"When you stop trying to find the right man and start becoming the right woman, the right man will find his way to you."
There was a time, I was tempted to date new guys again. But I knew that it was something that wouldn't really make me happy. For short time, maybe yes? But for a long-term.. I just felt that it would just complicate myself & my healing more. That I would turn into this girl who would need someone to validate that she is "loved" (when you can be "loved", happy and single at the same time when you just allow yourself to be appreciative). Some people would recommend rebound relationships.. but for me, I think that one has to fully move on and recover from his/her past before flipping to another page again. Because what if.. you get into a new relationship and you're still in love with the previous person? I don't know, but I just recommend "self-love" rather than "next love" when moving on. : ) It's just me.
After a year, I've finally figured out what my real problem was before.. why I felt so depressed. It was actually masked and hidden by the "relationship problems". It was because I wasn't truly happy about myself. That it started to reflect on how I handled things. Maybe, God decided that since I still have a shitload of things to learn first.. I had to fall from my high horse and pick up myself on my own so that I would learn and mature. And that one relationship that "failed" or "didn't work out" doesn't mean I'm also a failure as a person. God must have meant that as a woman He loves, I should learn how to see my real value. And I shouldn't tolerated being "tolerated" at my best. I should be in a deserving relationship where my whole being is being celebrated instead. : ) And before that happens, God probably felt that I should enjoy the journey of pursuing my dreams first and that I will have my time. I was such a worrywart before about my future.. I was also stuck in the past. I didn't appreciate that "now" is a gift.. and a present I shouldn't overlook. : )
Oh the things you learn the hard way. Hard or easy.. experiences are learnings. Learnings are blessings. : )
From Kaila's Personal Diary / "Positive" Notebook
I would often write positive notes as reminders : ) I took down notes after watching loads of videos by bubzbeauty haha.
And here's a drawing of a girl with a nice big smile.
And this smiling woman.. is the one typing all of these, haha.
If you are currently undergoing the same phase like what I had before..
First of all, hug.jpg.
Been there in that dark place, my fellow sister (or brother haha).
It won't make any sense right now.. but just believe.. believe in the power of "believing".
Believe that you will heal. That you will be able to let go of all the resentments.
That even the person you thought you wouldn't be able to forgive because of the hurt and pain..
Believe that someday, you will be able to forgive him.
Always remember that forgiveness is a precious gift you can give to yourself. ^^
And here is my wish for you. : )
You are an amazing person.
You deserve all the love in the world.