I think that this blog post will be one of my most honest / personal entries.
Don't know if this would be of use to anyone out there but if it does, I'm happy.
Three months ago, I was trapped in the worst kind of person I've ever been. I wasn't being true to myself.. I was so sad, down, depressed. And it was because of the matters of the heart (omg, this is embarrassing to tell but wtf... -_-) and because I didn't know where I was going. I was stuck somewhere (early quarter-life crisis? *_*)....
There were lots of nights I would cry myself to sleep out of loneliness / homesickness, wake up with the most horrible "fishy" eyes I had to hide the next morning. I lost interest in blogging, I had to stop my plans for JapanLover.me, I wanted Rainbowholic to disappear, etc, etc. What's worse, my health problems were such a nuisance. When I'm stressed out, I tend to just eat what I like without much thinking and later on, I would feel my gallbladder "acting up" again. I lost some stones before but because of emotional stress (self-imposed lol) + lack of sleep, these events still somehow trigger "attacks". Whenever I get attacks, it's really the worst feeling ever! The pain, it would remind me of the days I was stuck in the hospital for a week (fresh from being heartbroken.. that's like the worst combo ever: gallbladder problems + ALONE in a hospital room + post break-up) last October 2012. Thankfully, I've learned how to control it. Anyway.. I don't really like showing that I'm having a hard time so I try to become this bright Kaila people know. It was very hard for me because I feel like such a let-down to some people who say they look up to me .. that's why I really make an effort to be "strong" as what they expect me to be. *_* Ughh life.
For some time, I just let my sadness to wash over me. I did not try to hide it anymore. I also suggest this if you want to overcome your bad days.. If you are sad, just feel it. Feel everything. But do not dwell in that state for the long time. Lol, my brother was surprised when he saw me randomly crying in the corner. :)) I guess it was his first time to witness me like that. Back in the Philippines too, when I came home, I just expressed everything to my mom & dad..all my struggles here, my homesickness, how much I wanted to help them out as well in our finances but I cannot fully do that right now, because I'm still in the process of building myself here... how much I felt alone after feeling tossed away just like that... you guys, it's not always rainbows and sunshines for me. But I'm super happy now that I can let it out here after that freaking storm in my life (more like a tsunami!). I promised to myself I will write this entry once I've become so much okay. Once I become the super updated Kaila 2.0 I dreamt about being months ago. And wow, I'm finally writing this! And yes you got that right, I'm tearing up in the process of typing all of these hehehe. Happy tears! :D
And this is why it's okay not to be okay sometimes. Sometimes, these worst times in life, whether you got your heart broken, lost a job, failed an important test, etc.. can actually the best things that could happen to you. These events in life make you stop, ponder and reflect. I remember the day I learned I failed the second screening for my Japanese school scholarship application.. goodness, I never felt so stupid. But that loss/failure opened lots of doors for me because I was forced to look for other ~doors~ for my Japanese dream (with the help of my brother). The day I decided to stop sulking and to "restart" myself again.. and the moment I just let all the things that made me sad go & fly away without feelings of resentfulness.. that was when happiness and positivity started flowing in. People can try to make you smile but in the end, you're the person who can only do that. That's the same with "happiness". You cannot find this elsewhere if right now, you cannot find it within yourself. When I suddenly became appreciative of the smallest / trivial things around me that make my day.. and just being "in the moment", not caught in the past nor scared by the future.. I found true happiness. :)
I cannot help but feel overjoyed because like what I've been writing here in my previous posts.. months ago, I was different. My philosophy in life suddenly changed :)) Sometimes you just gotta pull yourself up and don't look down & treat the "hitting rock bottom" phase to be a "nice, fresh/clean start". This is why I'm also thankful to everyone who have shown great support in my JapanLove project-turned-work. It's actually one of the reasons why I almost literally "locked myself in a room". I even deactivated my personal FB account just so I can concentrate on this for 3 months. I feel extremely blessed because I now work with a team who have the same passion / crazy ideas. Seeing how my family and friends are also included in this ~baby project~ I struggled with, it really warms up my heart. The sudden influx of "kawaii"-related projects I've been getting.. wow. I must be dreaming right now. To have something to eagerly look forward to everyday + it's almost your job.. it really is something to be thankful about. :-)
Hard work does pay off. You don't wait for opportunities to come, you create those for yourself.
And YES, it's perfectly okay to be not okay for some time.
Because everything will be okay. Not now maybe.. but eventually!
Even if it took me 3 months or so,
Back pains, gallbladder attacks, burnt pockets, fishy eyes-- they were worth it.