It’s Okay To Be Not Okay.

I think that this blog post will be one of my most honest / personal entries.

Don’t know if this would be of use to anyone out there but if it does, I’m happy.  :blush3:

Three months ago, I was trapped in the worst kind of person I’ve ever been. I wasn’t being true to myself.. I was so sad, down, depressed. And it was because of the matters of the heart (omg, this is embarrassing to tell but wtf… -_-) and because I didn’t know where I was going. I was stuck somewhere (early quarter-life crisis? *_*)….

There were lots of nights I would cry myself to sleep out of loneliness / homesickness, wake up with the most horrible “fishy” eyes I had to hide the next morning. I lost interest in blogging, I had to stop my plans for JapanLover.me, I wanted Rainbowholic to disappear, etc, etc. What’s worse, my health problems were such a nuisance. When I’m stressed out, I tend to just eat what I like without much thinking and later on, I would feel my gallbladder “acting up” again. I lost some stones before but because of emotional stress (self-imposed lol) + lack of sleep, these events still somehow trigger “attacks”. Whenever I get attacks, it’s really the worst feeling ever! The pain, it would remind me of the days I was stuck in the hospital for a week (fresh from being heartbroken.. that’s like the worst combo ever: gallbladder problems + ALONE in a hospital room + post break-up) last October 2012. Thankfully, I’ve  learned how to control it. Anyway.. I don’t really like showing that I’m having a hard time so I try to become this bright Kaila people know. It was very hard for me because I feel like such a let-down to some people who say they look up to me .. that’s why I really make an effort to be “strong” as what they expect me to be. *_* Ughh life.

For some time, I just let my sadness to wash over me. I did not try to hide it anymore. I also suggest this if you want to overcome your bad days.. If you are sad, just feel it. Feel everything. But do not dwell in that state for the long time. Lol, my brother was surprised when he saw me randomly crying in the corner. :)) I guess it was his first time to witness me like that. Back in the Philippines too, when I came home, I just expressed everything to my mom & dad..all my struggles here, my homesickness, how much I wanted to help them out as well in our finances but I cannot fully do that right now, because I’m still in the process of building myself here… how much I felt alone after feeling tossed away just like that… you guys, it’s not always rainbows and sunshines for me. But I’m super happy now that I can let it out here after that freaking storm in my life (more like a tsunami!). I promised to myself I will write this entry once I’ve become so much okay. Once I become the super updated Kaila 2.0 I dreamt about being months ago. And wow, I’m finally writing this! And yes you got that right, I’m tearing up in the process of typing all of these hehehe. Happy tears! 😀

And this is why it’s okay not to be okay sometimes. Sometimes, these worst times in life, whether you got your heart broken, lost a job, failed an important test, etc.. can actually the best things that could happen to you. These events in life make you stop, ponder and reflect. I remember the day I learned I failed the second screening for my Japanese school scholarship application.. goodness, I never felt so stupid. But that loss/failure opened lots of doors for me because I was forced to look for other ~doors~ for my Japanese dream (with the help of my brother).  The day I decided to stop sulking and to “restart” myself again.. and the moment I just let all the things that made me sad go & fly away without feelings of resentfulness.. that was when happiness and positivity started flowing in. People can try to make you smile but in the end, you’re the person who can only do that. That’s the same with “happiness”. You cannot find this elsewhere if right now, you cannot find it within yourself. When I suddenly became appreciative of the smallest / trivial things around me that make my day.. and just being “in the moment”, not caught in the past nor scared by the future.. I found true happiness. 🙂

I cannot help but feel overjoyed because like what I’ve been writing here in my previous posts.. months ago, I was different. My philosophy in life suddenly changed :)) Sometimes you just gotta pull yourself up and don’t look down & treat the “hitting rock bottom” phase to be a “nice, fresh/clean start”.  This is why I’m also thankful to everyone who have shown great support in my JapanLove project-turned-work. It’s actually one of the reasons why I almost literally “locked myself in a room”. I even deactivated my personal FB account just so I can concentrate on this for 3 months. I feel extremely blessed because I now work with a team who have the same passion / crazy ideas. Seeing how my family and friends are also included in this ~baby project~ I struggled with, it really warms up my heart. The sudden influx of “kawaii”-related projects I’ve been getting.. wow. I must be dreaming right now. To have something to eagerly look forward to everyday + it’s almost your job.. it really is something to be thankful about. 🙂

Hard work does pay off. You don’t wait for opportunities to come, you create those for yourself.

And YES, it’s perfectly okay to be not okay for some time.

:blush:

Because everything will be okay. Not now maybe.. but eventually!  :pink:

Even if it took me 3 months or so,

Back pains, gallbladder attacks, burnt pockets, fishy eyes– they were worth it.

 カイラver 2.0

 

 

25 thoughts on “It’s Okay To Be Not Okay.

  1. Twinnie, this reminds me of my fave Jessie J song “Who you are”. :3 “It’s okay not to be okay”. You should listen to it sometime. :3
    We’re always here for you,rain or shine.*hug* :heart:

    ReplyReply
  2. ahh I think if everyone is honest, everyone has low times in life…it’s only human 🙂 So nice to hear you’re in a happy place now!!!

    ReplyReply
  3. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I was feeling sad, depressed and now I know is okay it will pass soon.

    ReplyReply
  4. There is also the song of Kelly Clarkson called “Stronger.” It’s lyrics are cliche but they’re cliche because they’re true. Funnily enough, it also uses the “it’s okay not to be okay” line.

    Actually, recently I think I might be going through some “dark” times as well. Too many thoughts… But let’s not dampen the mood of this happy blogpost. :3 *confetti*

    ReplyReply
  5. I’ve seen and been a witness to these phase in your life. You are so blessed, Kaila. I remember randomly texting you saying these words time and again… I’m so proud and so happy for the doors that opened up for you… I even almost felt like thanking the doors that slammed on you because you found these great golden gates opening for you. As i always say, “The universe conspires” and I’m in great awe of how the universe is doing the magic for you (of course with your hard work and pure intentions) you have such a good heart that’s why the universe is returning all the good things and good intentions you have.

    You are part of my happy thoughts always because you just radiate that shine. :heart:

    I don’t really know why the hell am I writing this long comment when I can always leave you some message, but I just wanna say I’m super proud and happy to see you fly remember Hope for the Flowers! :heart: :hihi: :heart:

    xoxo
    Tracy :heart:

    ReplyReply
  6. In every rain there’s a rainbow. And somehow, you are the rain but until such time, you finally reached your rainbow dreams ms. Kaila! I’m glad you were able to “puke out” all the feelings you haven’t opened up to us, your readers. But still, don’t worry we’re always here for you :DD

    ReplyReply
  7. It’s really great to see that you have come out of unpleasant times a much stronger and happier person, Kaila! :yay:

    I think anyone who has been through some dark times will appreciate and understand to some extent, how much effort it took to come out of it, including me 😀 Feelings especially are hard to control, but knowing that it will come to pass, makes it more bearable I guess :blushh:

    Thank you for sharing, once again. I hope to meet you one day!! :star:

    With love,
    Amaya

    ReplyReply
  8. Aww Ate ;____; *power hug* I have been your sabaw-friend ever since idk and I’m just glad that you’re okay now. :happy: Always know that you have us, okay? :heart:

    Here’s to Angela, to lugaw, to workaholic.us, to the Miranda Kerr body, to Kaila Ocampo 2.0 🙂

    ReplyReply
  9. Thank you for this Kaila 🙂 This is definitely something I needed to read right now! You’re still such an inspiration, ESPECIALLY because you’re so honest. n.n

    ReplyReply
  10. Woow… Oh Oh Oh… I’m crying righ now ^^’. I remember in October when I asked you for some clothes, and you said you were not feeling great, so I just sent you some crazy video on youtube… But shit, I’m so happy you managed to pass over it ! To be able to do THIS makes you so powerful ! I’m a little envious right now y’know, because I’m in this sad/depressed mood, because I don’t know where I’m going, because i don’t really have a goal in life, nor a big “dream”… I feel like I just stay here and not move. Like a big dead fish which follows the flow.

    So I’m really, really happy for you. I’m also happy that you are in such mood you can share with us your thoughts : it really means for me, a reader.

    BRAVO

    ReplyReply
  11. Laida Magtalas is dat u????

    Girl!!! I agree gaya rin ng sabi ni Chito miranda dati sa boys night out nung nag break sila ni Kaye abad… “Kung malungkot ka i-savor mo ung nararamdaman monh lungkot kasi in the end may matututunan kang lesson na di tinituro sa school at di tinuturo ng ibang tao… Tanging sarili lang ang makakatuto and also magiging mas malakas ka na after”
    Tama lang mag dwell parang learning opportunity sha of making yourself stronger… I remember failing before sa school grabe i cried everyday i cried before going to sleep i cried lagi sa pag bangon sa umaga… Di rin masisi e pero after nun nakayanan naman nakabangon and mastumatag pa… Kaya parang blessing narin ang failure kahit papano dahil sa mga experiences…

    Hug hug hug *insert line emoticons here* hahaha
    Love you ldr gf hahaah :*

    Stroger kaila is stronger

    ReplyReply
  12. Can I say that this post is really what I needed to hear this week I am having a terrible time moving forward after a friends death and your words were a real inspiration. I have felt so guilty over my sadness, trying to hide it away as I’m know as such a happy person. After reading this post I cried harder then I have in a long time. Thank you. I’m not going to hide.

    ReplyReply
  13. wow… this was such a heartfull entry 😥 It came along at a PERFECT time for me!
    I am usually quite focused on a negative thought–pattern because of my mental health, and I am usually NEVER open to messages like these… I just read them, and …. nothing, you know? Like, I don´t take it to heart, I don´t feel it at all… it is just empty words!
    But this time, I could really feel the importance behind it! It was like a gentle pat on the back… I don´t know how you did it, but you made me think 🙂 thank you Kaila.
    I need to be brave now, but I don´t know if I will be able to do it… I am very afraid still ;_;

    ReplyReply
  14. :cheer: :cheer:

    You are really inspiring, ate Kaila! Thank you… again. :blush:
    I know I’m this weird supporter of yours who just randomly comments on your instagram pictures. 😀 But I really mean what I say: You are inspiring ~+ cute (Oh yea!)~. :tongue:
    I have been reading your blogs for quite a while now (maybe for about 6 months now) because a friend of mine told me to check out your ~really awesome, mind-blowing~ blog. At first I just looked at the pictures and drawings but when I actually started reading your entries, I was like “Wow, was that an atomic explosion in my head?” Haha. I might be exaggerating :sweatdrop: but seriously, you just have this inspiring spirit! (Uhm, yea. I have said “inspiring” 3X already).
    I cannot thank you enough, especially with this entry. And I agree, it’s okay not to be okay. But do not let time run out. One must eventually stand up and move on. :nod: Have a great day.

    –K

    ReplyReply
  15. Oh my gosh I can relate so much! I am also having a quarter-life crisis right now. I think that is the only way to describe what I’m going through inside right now. (I wonder if “creative people” like you and I are prone to things like that…?) Sometimes I even try to convince myself that it’s wring to feel this way because I have a fairly good life and am financially stable, and it would seem sooo ungrateful of me to be unhappy. And then I realize that I am constantly grateful for all the blessings I have in my life, and the fact that I feel like crap all the time has nothing to do with that! it has to do with me and me alone. The only difference between our reactions is that instead of being sad, I am angry ALL THE TIME! That’s always my first impulse but when I’m alone, I realize just how sad I actually am. I cry in the bathroom sometimes when it’s too quiet hahahaha! Shhhh! It sucks to feel like you’re stuck somewhere and you know there’s somewhere else you’re “supposed to be”. You can feel it but have no idea what it is just yet, and maybe that’s the worst part. Anyway, everything you said is so true– We ourselves are the only ones who can turn our lives around. We are our own happiness. And no matter how much others try, if we don’t find the way to make ourselves happy, nothing will happen and we will stay unhappy. That’s the reality. I hope we both manage to find what we are looking for sooner rather than later. Love you, Kaila! 🙂

    ReplyReply
  16. Love you te :* i can relate hahaha lam mo yan :)) life has its way of turning your world around and making you see things in a new perspective 🙂

    ReplyReply
  17. That was sooo deep. I’m struggling myself right now with graduating and my life after, so I kinda feel what it’s like. But your completely right sometimes you just gotta let it all out, plus it might be healthy for you. I don’t like when people aren’t happy and don’t like being unhappy myself, it’s depressing. I try to be positive, most of the time. It’s not easy being positive all time though. I hope things get better for ya and stay that way. Life’s :argh:, but ya gotta :dancee:and keep your 😎 !

    ReplyReply
  18. 😥 :heart: :heart: :heart: i have so much love for you Kaila! through the ups and downs, you’re still holding it together and creating so much! thank you for sharing this with all of us. this is one of the reasons we all look up to you! :333:

    ReplyReply
  19. Take care of yourself :0 I’m glad you are ok now and you are able to talk about your bad moments. It’s ok not to be ok, it really is. And you can count on the ones who love you to make you feel ok.

    I really feel that you work hard and you inspire me so much, not only so that one day I go to Japan but also to accomplish what I want to. Hard times make you stronger and wiser. 😀

    ReplyReply
  20. This is a very beautiful entry Kaila! And yes, always choose to be happy, no matter what the world slaps your face with.

    ReplyReply
  21. Hiyo! I just started following your blog and was looking through your archive till I found this post. I have to say, it really opened my eyes. I recently lost my job and haven’t been able to find anything or there is nothing available in my field. So I’ve been trying to do one of the things I’ve always wanted to do. To open up my own accessories shop. I have an Etsy and a Storenvy, only one sale so far and it’s been really tough. Every now and then I get days where I just want to give up and crawl under a rock. But hearing you say that “it’s ok to be not ok” and to treat the rock bottom as starting over, it really hit me. I’ve been working on my room to get rid of things that I no longer need. I’ve been working on a ton of new pieces to sell. And of course attend more cons to sell at. It’s been tough but reading this post gave me hope. And like you, I do have people that care about me and help me when I need them. So thank you! :cute2:
    Kieli~♥

    ReplyReply
  22. Sometimes in life, there can be sad, depress etc. etc. But don’t let yourself throw those rocks on you, just saying hehe. I love this post 🙂

    P.S Always stay as you are ^-*

    ReplyReply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *