Pitch Black Nights

I don't know if this is PMS or whatever, but I've been thinking about this for so many days. Hehe. I'm not a good writer but I do enjoy sharing my thoughts so here it is. Been feeling a bit stressed out too so I feel like I need to get these out from my heart..

(Also, might as well use this blog.. there might be someone having a hard time out there and needed this hehe).  :nod:


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Generally, people see me as this bright cheerful / optimistic girl. I guess... that's also how I want to be remembered by my family, friends and everyone else. Yay Kaila, rainbows and sunshines and carebears yay~ A good friend once told me that I'm one of her "happy thoughts".. and I was really surprised by that & it made me really smile... that's why whenever I get sad over an event / somebody, I'd hold on to that and would tell myself, "I'm someone's happy thought, I'm someone's happy thought". Kinda stupid or weird for some, but that's how I cheer up myself when I've got noone to talk my problems to (sometimes that's really just my style: solve my own ..crap).

 

Anyway, I just want to share a personal piece from my own share of sad experiences in my past and how I got over those.. through time, self-motivation, prayers, friends, productivity and many more.

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I came from a big family with.. issues. I'm the youngest and the only girl. I had a quite problematic childhood... there was a long period of time that I had to live two different lives. An aloof inside her room when at home and someone so bright / cheerful in the classroom. It was like this because my brothers were rebellious their own different ways. One of my siblings had a really bad case of depression which also depressed everyone. I was at around 12-15 back then, it was definitely the darkest years in my life. It went on until the first years of my college... I'd cry regularly  (not everydayy, just regularly lol)  to drain all the negative feelings.. secretly in my room.. while praying & wishing the yells & whatnots to stop. I kept on questioning God why my family had to be like that.. I had lots of questions that were answered years and years later. At a young age, I matured quite fast because I was witnessing everything. Seeing everything in a wide perspective. I can't really be more specific about those details (I think my brain also forced itself + my heart to forget it all.. lol selective amnesia haha) but yeah.. that's Kaila's dark history that she herself couldn't vividly remember anymore haha. I'm not the super religious type of a person but my mom taught me how to be prayerful. Praying alone saved my sanity a lot of times... Emotional + financial + health problems in the family were the deadliest combo and I experienced that. Almost got K.O.-ed huhu.. maybe to summarize and give you an idea how it was such a struggle for all of us, these happened: Mom got cancer + money wasn't always enough for everyone + debts forever piling up + Dad got laid off + my grandparents died + my brothers couldn't graduate because of their own issues+ .. I didn't pass the school my parents rooted me for (ughh heartbreaking huhu). Maybe that's why I have this shallow type of appreciation from every little happy thing. It's probably because I didn't get what I always wanted & I've been through a lot that even from the simplest things (uhm , like eating fastfood food ? hehe).. I find something to smile about. Sometimes, I'm like this crazy girl who'd daydream and be happy just like that. Hehe... Even after all the sad events in my younger years, if I would be given a chance to replay everything & erase the sad parts, I think I'd just save that chance for something way better for my future. I'd prefer to be called a survivor rather than a victim of life's happenings hehe. Huhu so deep, sorry guys.. this feels like a serious alter ego of "Kawaii" happy image of Kaila lololol.

Anyway.. so when I thought darkest days were over, I was wrong. A darker version of the darkest ones almost blinded me. (crap, I'm becoming poetic haha)

Last year, I had a very troublesome event that took me by.. tsunami. (worse than a storm guys huhu)

I had a boyfriend back then who was my emotional support during my struggles here in Japan. My first heartbreak (hopefully last lol) was so ;___; that it also gave me selective amnesia of events. As of the moment, I could only remember all the sad stuff that he made me experience.... I guess that's better than crying over the good memories you'd wish would happen again (to those who experienced heartbreaks, I know you can relate haha).  That break-up really surprised me, and it was during a very confusing stage in my life as well. It really deflated my self-confidence / self-esteem. Also, I was so confused on which path to take here in Japan... I got wonderful opportunities for Rainbowholic but how could you enjoy those fully when you are being bothered by your unhappy heart? .. For 3-4 months (don't know how long, yay amnesia for dark past lol), I think I cried every night, sometimes blaming myself, wished I didn't say that, regretted doing things. I kept everything to myself, didn't feel like sharing it to my parents / close friends.. it was all underneath my half-hearted smiles. The saddest thing about this was I had to hide this, I had to pretend I'm happy, I had to put on make-up, dress-up, appear kawaii without totally feeling it. It was the worst feeling ever but I guess I learned that "fake it til' you make it" method is also an effective way.. but only for a shorter period of time. The darkest of the darkest days (as of the moment haha, hopefully no more pitch black days & nights for me hehe) were me + inside the hospital. I got diagnosed of a gallbladder infection right after my blogging duties in Amsterdam. Actually, 2-3 days before that ~shiny opportunity~ for Rainbowholic, the guy broke up with me. ;_; So imagine a heartbroken Kaila + alone in her hospital room for a week + doing blogging duties from her recent trip + major gallstone attacks every single night. It was that bad. :( Everyday I was .. "GOD .. Y U like that ;_;".. huhu. How painful is a gallstone attack..? Hmm, they say it's similar to a heart attack as well.... -_- eeekkk.

Again, if God or someone would give me a chance to redo everything.. I don't think I'll redo that part. I toughened up a lot.. I learned a lot.. I learned that I should have some respect left for myself. I realized that sometimes, it's perfectly okay to be not okay. Sometimes in order to be stronger & wiser, one needs to be slapped by life so hard enough to be knocked down. I guess the sad thing about this is... I'm not as trusting as before anymore. I used to be this person who'd be eager to watch romance-themed Korean / Jap / Hollywood series / movies . Before, I could watch 1 series in 3 straight days but now.. I kinda find these plots silly & too ideal / far from reality... oops. Kaila ver 2.0 would prefer to just drown herself in more meaningful projects. Lol you guys, from Rainbowholic, I upgraded to workaholic Rainbowholic..haha. But yeah, I focused myself on the happier and positive stuff which required lots of courage. Eventually, my heart learned how to just let go all of things that would make me feel bad. It's easier to just forgive and forget the people who caused pain, rather than to blame them / hold grudges. Forgiveness cleanses the heart, makes you a happier person.. less :( thoughts for you and no more heavy feelings. :)

I guess pain does really change people. I'm (somewhat)  grateful that this pain I experienced became handy / useful since it really pushed me to the edge of my capabilities. It gave birth to Japan Lover Me. Good karma had its thing going around and I became a Kawaii Leader (that surprised a lot of people).. ;_;. I don't even know who the hell was the older version of me before. :O However, there's a somewhat~ downside when somebody breaks your kokoro. It'll never be the same as before. Honestly,  I don't know if I can really give my whole heart to another person someday again without fear...

Even though I have completely moved on, there are still scars left. Hopefully one day, someone will find those beautiful. Hehe.. But I'm not really in a hurry. I think I'm genuinely happy to be in a relationship with just me & myself. Hahaha..#foreveralone :))) Just kidding. :)) But yeah, never been this happier. :-) It's better to be single than feel alone in a relationship with someone who constantly overlooks your worth.

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It's true what they are saying. People are gonna come into your life and sometimes, they also have an expiration date together with them. There are events in life that will leave you dumbfounded as ever... so many questions & late answers. And sometimes, no answers even.

I guess that it's always a choice for us if we want to stay awake in the pitch black nights full of confusion & question marks or... if we want to give ourselves a restful sleep (of  hopes and positive dreams) until the brighter sunny mornings arrive! :)

Always excited for breakfast,

Happy カイラ

15 thoughts on “Pitch Black Nights

  1. I totally understand where you’re coming from Kaila. I grew up in a broken family, my parent divorced when I was 5 while my mother was still pregnant with my father. Many years later I witnessed my mother almost get beaten to death by my stepfather whom she abandoned us to be with. Then I was in a physically abusive relationship for 3 years. Yet through all that sadness I learned a huge lesson; there is always tomorrow. I work 6 days straight and honestly your blog has helped me in such a positive way! After 6 days of back breaking work in a hot stuffy warehouse coming home and reading your posts makes me forget all the stress and just dream, and I wholeheartedly thank you for that.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTpi8JcAtBY
    One Ok Rock “Be the Light”
    Sorry for the long comment haha. But I’m glad you shared this with everyone here. Must’ve taken a lot of courage :)

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  2. -pats your back-

    I’m happy that you’re willing to share both happy and unhappy thoughts on your blog, because no one is perfect and happy-happy-all-the-way (if they are, then boy are they blessed!) At the very end you always use these unhappy things to motivate others and yourself, which is very heartwarming~!

    I’m your friend and fan :yay:

    With love,
    Amaya

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  3. Aww, Kaila :cry: Just today I was feeling really down, too. Must be the moon cycles or something… (funny as it is, I actually do believe in those kinds of things)

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I imagine pressing “Publish” must have been hard…

    You are such an inspiration to me! Because of how hardworking you are :nod: everything you have, you’ve worked your butt off for it. I truly hope you are doing OK and will smile again tomorrow. But of course everyone needs their alone, sad time… and it’s wonderful that you could get everything out this way.

    元気を出してね、カイラ!

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  4. Awww, thanks for sharing I know I can relate to a huge amount of this. When things go bad I always think of this quote “adversity builds character” and I like to think of myself as a charismatic person for having gone through crazy un-fun stuff! Gambatte! Life has turned a new leaf for you and it’s up up up! and hey even if bad things do come around again, you’ll have all that strength and courage you have already picked up along the way :)

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  5. Hi Kaila.
    My best friend always sang to me a song: “don’t worry be happy” , when I had black stripes in my life. Now he’s no longer among the living… but I sing it to myself in memory of him. And always try to smile more, but sometimes it is very difficult, you know. :sob: :smile:
    BE HAPPY! DON’T WORRY :dancee:

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  6. By the way, what do you think about another global (hehe) exchange of postcards?)

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  7. Hello Kaila, I don’t remember when I found your blog, but I have been reading for some time and I love rainbowholic! So, I nominated you for this award (The Versatile Blogger Award). You can check it out here: http://beautifuldokidoki.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-versatile-blogger-award.html It isn’t much, but maybe it can be something small to cheer you up! I’ve also dealt with plenty of bad times in life so I can relate. But you’re totally right, the bad times put everything else into perspective and the happy times are just that much happier after :blush3: Thanks for sharing.

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  8. @beautifuldokidoki: Thank you so much for nominating me! ;_; Thanks for your sweet comment. Agree with “…”the happy times are just that much happier after.”

    Thanks for reading my blog, it means a lot. :-)

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  9. @Fiona: I also love that quote! Agree, agree, agree with your comment :-) We are much stronger because of the bad times. ^^

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  10. @Abigail: Gosh, I hate PMS! Hahaha! Yup, it was quite hard but I wanted to share it with everyone even way back.. since I’ve already survived those dark days hehe. ^^ You too, GAMBATTE!!!

    Yup, I am super ok now! Thanks always Abigail for the cheers, I appreciate it a lot. ^^

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  11. @Amaya: *hugs* Thank you so much! I don’t know if I have told you these but your simple messages such as this make my day. ^^ I personally think that he happiest people are the ones who have been through a lot of hardships haha. If somebody is happy-happy-all-the-way.. wow, that must be in some other place like heaven?! :)))

    I’m your friend from Japan,
    Kaila <3

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  12. @Kaitie: Awwww Kaitie ;_; Omg, huhuhu.. *hugs* Thank you so much. Please know that you’re not alone.. I wholeheartedly thank you for the support by reading my blog and leaving comments such as this. Thanks for sharing ONE OK ROCK’s song! I love it! Omg I teared up huhuhu.

    It’ll get better everyday, promise :-) I know that feeling, working nonstop .. yikes. Just dream until your dreams aren’t dreams anymore ^^ Sometimes we can find solace by just thinking happy thoughts / wishful dreams! Happy to know my blog has served something meaningful to someone like you out there. ;_;

    Arigatou always!

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