I don't know if this is PMS or whatever, but I've been thinking about this for so many days. Hehe. I'm not a good writer but I do enjoy sharing my thoughts so here it is. Been feeling a bit stressed out too so I feel like I need to get these out from my heart..
(Also, might as well use this blog.. there might be someone having a hard time out there and needed this hehe).
Generally, people see me as this bright cheerful / optimistic girl. I guess... that's also how I want to be remembered by my family, friends and everyone else. Yay Kaila, rainbows and sunshines and carebears yay~ A good friend once told me that I'm one of her "happy thoughts".. and I was really surprised by that & it made me really smile... that's why whenever I get sad over an event / somebody, I'd hold on to that and would tell myself, "I'm someone's happy thought, I'm someone's happy thought". Kinda stupid or weird for some, but that's how I cheer up myself when I've got noone to talk my problems to (sometimes that's really just my style: solve my own ..crap).
Anyway, I just want to share a personal piece from my own share of sad experiences in my past and how I got over those.. through time, self-motivation, prayers, friends, productivity and many more.
I came from a big family with.. issues. I'm the youngest and the only girl. I had a quite problematic childhood... there was a long period of time that I had to live two different lives. An aloof inside her room when at home and someone so bright / cheerful in the classroom. It was like this because my brothers were rebellious their own different ways. One of my siblings had a really bad case of depression which also depressed everyone. I was at around 12-15 back then, it was definitely the darkest years in my life. It went on until the first years of my college... I'd cry regularly (not everydayy, just regularly lol) to drain all the negative feelings.. secretly in my room.. while praying & wishing the yells & whatnots to stop. I kept on questioning God why my family had to be like that.. I had lots of questions that were answered years and years later. At a young age, I matured quite fast because I was witnessing everything. Seeing everything in a wide perspective. I can't really be more specific about those details (I think my brain also forced itself + my heart to forget it all.. lol selective amnesia haha) but yeah.. that's Kaila's dark history that she herself couldn't vividly remember anymore haha. I'm not the super religious type of a person but my mom taught me how to be prayerful. Praying alone saved my sanity a lot of times... Emotional + financial + health problems in the family were the deadliest combo and I experienced that. Almost got K.O.-ed huhu.. maybe to summarize and give you an idea how it was such a struggle for all of us, these happened: Mom got cancer + money wasn't always enough for everyone + debts forever piling up + Dad got laid off + my grandparents died + my brothers couldn't graduate because of their own issues+ .. I didn't pass the school my parents rooted me for (ughh heartbreaking huhu). Maybe that's why I have this shallow type of appreciation from every little happy thing. It's probably because I didn't get what I always wanted & I've been through a lot that even from the simplest things (uhm , like eating fastfood food ? hehe).. I find something to smile about. Sometimes, I'm like this crazy girl who'd daydream and be happy just like that. Hehe... Even after all the sad events in my younger years, if I would be given a chance to replay everything & erase the sad parts, I think I'd just save that chance for something way better for my future. I'd prefer to be called a survivor rather than a victim of life's happenings hehe. Huhu so deep, sorry guys.. this feels like a serious alter ego of "Kawaii" happy image of Kaila lololol.
Anyway.. so when I thought darkest days were over, I was wrong. A darker version of the darkest ones almost blinded me. (crap, I'm becoming poetic haha)
Last year, I had a very troublesome event that took me by.. tsunami. (worse than a storm guys huhu)
I had a boyfriend back then who was my emotional support during my struggles here in Japan. My first heartbreak (hopefully last lol) was so ;___; that it also gave me selective amnesia of events. As of the moment, I could only remember all the sad stuff that he made me experience.... I guess that's better than crying over the good memories you'd wish would happen again (to those who experienced heartbreaks, I know you can relate haha). That break-up really surprised me, and it was during a very confusing stage in my life as well. It really deflated my self-confidence / self-esteem. Also, I was so confused on which path to take here in Japan... I got wonderful opportunities for Rainbowholic but how could you enjoy those fully when you are being bothered by your unhappy heart? .. For 3-4 months (don't know how long, yay amnesia for dark past lol), I think I cried every night, sometimes blaming myself, wished I didn't say that, regretted doing things. I kept everything to myself, didn't feel like sharing it to my parents / close friends.. it was all underneath my half-hearted smiles. The saddest thing about this was I had to hide this, I had to pretend I'm happy, I had to put on make-up, dress-up, appear kawaii without totally feeling it. It was the worst feeling ever but I guess I learned that "fake it til' you make it" method is also an effective way.. but only for a shorter period of time. The darkest of the darkest days (as of the moment haha, hopefully no more pitch black days & nights for me hehe) were me + inside the hospital. I got diagnosed of a gallbladder infection right after my blogging duties in Amsterdam. Actually, 2-3 days before that ~shiny opportunity~ for Rainbowholic, the guy broke up with me. ;_; So imagine a heartbroken Kaila + alone in her hospital room for a week + doing blogging duties from her recent trip + major gallstone attacks every single night. It was that bad. :( Everyday I was .. "GOD .. Y U like that ;_;".. huhu. How painful is a gallstone attack..? Hmm, they say it's similar to a heart attack as well.... -_- eeekkk.
Again, if God or someone would give me a chance to redo everything.. I don't think I'll redo that part. I toughened up a lot.. I learned a lot.. I learned that I should have some respect left for myself. I realized that sometimes, it's perfectly okay to be not okay. Sometimes in order to be stronger & wiser, one needs to be slapped by life so hard enough to be knocked down. I guess the sad thing about this is... I'm not as trusting as before anymore. I used to be this person who'd be eager to watch romance-themed Korean / Jap / Hollywood series / movies . Before, I could watch 1 series in 3 straight days but now.. I kinda find these plots silly & too ideal / far from reality... oops. Kaila ver 2.0 would prefer to just drown herself in more meaningful projects. Lol you guys, from Rainbowholic, I upgraded to workaholic Rainbowholic..haha. But yeah, I focused myself on the happier and positive stuff which required lots of courage. Eventually, my heart learned how to just let go all of things that would make me feel bad. It's easier to just forgive and forget the people who caused pain, rather than to blame them / hold grudges. Forgiveness cleanses the heart, makes you a happier person.. less :( thoughts for you and no more heavy feelings. :)
I guess pain does really change people. I'm (somewhat) grateful that this pain I experienced became handy / useful since it really pushed me to the edge of my capabilities. It gave birth to Japan Lover Me. Good karma had its thing going around and I became a Kawaii Leader (that surprised a lot of people).. ;_;. I don't even know who the hell was the older version of me before. :O However, there's a somewhat~ downside when somebody breaks your kokoro. It'll never be the same as before. Honestly, I don't know if I can really give my whole heart to another person someday again without fear...
Even though I have completely moved on, there are still scars left. Hopefully one day, someone will find those beautiful. Hehe.. But I'm not really in a hurry. I think I'm genuinely happy to be in a relationship with just me & myself. Hahaha..#foreveralone :))) Just kidding. :)) But yeah, never been this happier. :-) It's better to be single than feel alone in a relationship with someone who constantly overlooks your worth.
It's true what they are saying. People are gonna come into your life and sometimes, they also have an expiration date together with them. There are events in life that will leave you dumbfounded as ever... so many questions & late answers. And sometimes, no answers even.
I guess that it's always a choice for us if we want to stay awake in the pitch black nights full of confusion & question marks or... if we want to give ourselves a restful sleep (of hopes and positive dreams) until the brighter sunny mornings arrive! :)
Always excited for breakfast,