Since it's the Valentine season, I think that it's just timely to share some of my thoughts about love.
Why I think that "self-love" is the most important kind of love that we tend to overlook.
And some facts about my crazy standards. : ))
I am no relationship expert and I am just sharing my opinion based on my past experiences that is related with "love". : )
If I were to give my 20 yr. old self a friendly advice, this is probably what it would be.
Maybe this would come handy for future Kaila too.. so I'm blogging this as a reminder. : ))
I used to think that love should be like what we see in the movies / Korean dramas. I know this is quite embarrassing to reveal... but there, I said it. Haha! I know many can relate. I don't know who to blame for all of these expectations, haha. Damn these books by Nicholas Sparks & unrealistic Korean drama plots, haha~
So far (lolol I kid), I had one serious relationship. And it was during the most unexpected times in my life.. and with the most unexpected person, hahaha. Even though things didn't turn out well in the end and we had to part ways , up to this point, I have no regrets. And I'm still glad that we were each other's firsts.. because I can't imagine if I got into an abusive or worse commitment instead, huhu... (with all the crap that I've encountered in my life, I still feel blessed and lucky haha). At that time, I also felt genuine happiness and it was something that we both wanted anyway. No regrets, just love indeed. : )
When my first love and I broke up, it was during my most confusing times in my life. I often questioned God why.. why that time. I had a health concern, I was struggling with my blogging dream career.. and I was just about to give it up all and return to the "normal" person. Right now.. all I could honestly say with sincerity and zero grudges is that..
Thank you for breaking up with me. It was one of the life-changing events that made me who I am today. Thank you for making me realize that I almost forgot myself... to love myself.
It was the time that I was forced to reevaluate myself. I used to be the type of girl who would say sorry, apologize, and try to patch things up even if I knew that I wasn't the one who had the mistake.. just so things would be okay. You'd say, I allowed myself to become a doormat. It was probably because I found validation from pleasing others. I "felt complete" because I was in a relationship with someone. Right now, after upgrading myself every time through life experiences... I could proudly say that I have changed a lot. And my perspective about love has changed. And there is a huge difference between a girl and a woman.. such as a boy and a man. And as a full-grown woman (masked with a baby face sigh haha), it would be such a wonderful thing if ever I do meet the man of my dreams. : ) If God has another purpose for me and that is to find and create love through community service, then... I would gladly accept that as well.
I've been thinking a lot, thinking.. thinking if I have set my standards too high already. Maybe it is... but I think that how I "value" myself reflects the way I also love myself. Since my eyes have opened about "self-love" and how important it is... I realized that I shouldn't sell myself for a low price.
"You accept the love that you think you deserve." -- so much truth!
Whenever I would jokingly tell my friends about my type, they'd say that maybe it's impossible to be able to meet someone like that. Even if you are the most handsome, talented, popular, richest, smartest, street-smart guy out there... I am probably the least female who would be impressed by just those traits alone. I don't know, but I value myself a lot (in a healthy kind of way, haha).. and I would rather be alone (single and happy) for a long time rather than settle with someone that wouldn't even get the 4 or 5 stars out of the five, haha. Sometimes, my standards scare me too. As I grow old and my social circle becomes smaller (kidding at the last part haha), my perspectives and standards change and upgrade, haha! Actually, if I would reveal more of these (I can't spill the beans because future love of my life might read this lolol noo).. you would realize that Kaila has shallow happiness in life, haha.. but then again, I cannot reveal my love cards to the world. I'd like to be an interesting mystery lololol. I cannot even fully figure out myself.. how can someone do that to me? I wonder too, haha!
I just know for the fact that because I am the person who would do her best in everything... and that just means that I deserve the best. I believe that I am a dream girl worth pursuing & patiently waiting for. Not the person to play childish mind games with. If I do catch someone (prospective) doing that (making me feel special at the same time with others lol).. it's game over before this person knows it. I'm selectively social, and most of the time, I'm the workaholic reserved type (who curses lol.. but I have the talent to turn it off when with elders) and has a lot of things going on her mind, also quite the old-fashioned Filipina (in modern Japan setting)... with a lot of heart for others & community service. I have abs hidden underneath my layered marshmallow tummy. I wear big bows and I appreciate colorful fashion. I am not high-maintenance even if I have seemingly unreachable standards. Even if I wear something horrendous in your opinion, I would rather stand out in my rainbowholic nature than be with a guy whom I should please by toning myself down and become the goody simple girl. I have a lot of quirks & my cheekbones do not exist because I have squishy cheeks that make me look like a highschooler. I have PMS for more than a week and it's not my fault because every female has hormones and unfortunately (to me and to everyone I come across with), I have more hormones than 3 females combined.. hahaha. I have my own set of opinions and I do not just nod and agree all the time. I spend a lot of "me-time" alone because it makes me happy. I'm far from the perfect / ideal woman that most guys have in mind. I cannot cook and I buy bento every day haha. And if one day, someone would appreciate me for being me 100%... without bargaining power involved lol, then maybe I would think about it. Hahahaha. : )) I may have crushes here and there (level Korean boy band looks, level secret admiration, level kinda serious lol) but this girl.. is far from the word "easy". "Definitely not easy, but absolutely worth it" would be better I guess? And if ever you've realized that we're not the perfect fit.. always do keep in mind that the door in my life is always open for the emergency exit and I simply have no energy to stop you for retreating. Being with me is a big choice. Big challenge. Big investment. Big risk. Big rollercoaster ride. But all I could say is.. I've got a big sassy love. ^^
Any females out there who feel the same? : ) I do hope I'm not alone ahahaha.
And there you go ~
My thoughts about self-love & what I learned. And my heaven-steep requirements for my future love (this is a conditional statement lol). Kindly send the creative resumes to the.rainbowholic[at]gmail.com then, haha!!
Hope you enjoyed this entry! I enjoyed sharing some tid bits about me.. both serious & funny. Haha! Such an emotional yet light-hearted blog entry : )) This post is confused lololol.
Future post: How to move on (as requested by a friend ^^)
Much love, Kaila