I have a slightly sad news for you.
There is going to be someone who is younger, fresher, more beautiful, brighter, more talented and skilled, richer, more attractive than you. She / He is way betterrrrr than you.
But I have a great news for you too as well.
It doesn't matter. These other people don't matter.
Because you have your own beautiful journey and they have their own. And we should focus more on our own, rather than feeling threatened by others.
For this blog entry, I will share about my personal story about the way I deal with my own insecurities... and maybe some tips on how to overcome those negative feelings.
I think that even the most confident people out there, at some point in their lives, have felt insecure about themselves. And yesss, I am one of those humans. :D
I used to feel insecure about the way I spoke and wrote in English. I felt that I wasn't competitive enough. I feared being interviewed on the spot and being ridiculed because of my accent and wrong grammar.
I used to feel insecure about my own God-given physical features. I found my hair to be too curly or too big. I wished I had a nose with a higher bridge. I wished I had cheekbones than squishy cheeks.
I used to feel really sad whenever I gain a pound or two. How can other people maintain their desired weight and at the same time, eat what they love? Lord, why so unfair? :(
I used to feel insecure about my brains / level of intelligence. All of my siblings passed the biggest universities and they were even granted scholarships. I failed a lot of tests and all of my scores were just passing / barely passing (hi math and technical subjects).
I used to feel insecure when I learned that I was already replaced by another girl by an ex-boyfriend before in months time. I thought I wasn't pretty enough or my "best" wasn't enough. What the hell was wrong with me?
I used to feel insecure about my ~work here in Japan. I feared that people might be thinking I'm a bum who goes to Harajuku everyday + takes kawaii snaps for her blog.. and I was just someone who has a generous brother who can support her lifestyle.
I had all of these negative feelings in my life before and I didn't know how to deal with them.. until one day, I decided to make an effort for myself, and not for others. For the sake of overcoming ill feelings, and not for the sake of validation.
I didn't come up with a one-time big-time solution. It was more of a journey of learning to love myself more, and accepting that I am indeed enough. That I should be more appreciative instead because my blessings had been overflowing... but I was too busy to pick on my negative traits.
I learned that by acknowledging my own weaknesses and having a conscious effort to improve myself (for myself), I could overcome my insecurities because .. I have accepted myself fully already.
So what if I have a weird accent when I speak in English? Or I have a few grammar mistakes here and there? Does having perfect English accent / 100% correct grammar automatically equate to success already? I don't think so. Try determination, perseverance and hard work as keywords instead.. for sure that would work. Because those worked for me.
So what if my hair is naturally thick and big, my nose is not too high, or my waist is not slim enough? Does it mean that I cannot be beautiful? I cannot be "kawaii" enough? Well I realized that.. these physical insecurities weren't even the basis when I was chosen as a Kawaii leader before. They chose me because I had something different to offer. In the end, personality is what people admire more about and what matters most. It's not always about the talent and looks. Attitude and personality have a lot more to offer.
So what if the people who I loved before decided to -unlove- and replace me easily? Does it mean that I am not worth loving at all? Of course not. It just means that they have failed to appreciate you for being who you are and you shouldn't base your self-worth because somebody overlooked how precious you are. And maybe, it is a sign that you deserve someone better. Someone who can love you at your best and worst at the same time. ^^
After I committed myself that "self-love" is the basic love + "confidence" is the solid rock / foundation of everything (you will be surprised when you find out that it will determine your success story + affect the way you treat others..).. I felt stronger and more powerful as a person.
I upgraded from an insecure girl to a confident woman. I realized that these imperfections do not define me as a person, holistically speaking. And nobody can ever use these imperfections against me, even if you throw those towards my face. Unless I give you my consent.
I learned how to slap myself whenever pessimistic Kaila would itch and show up. I learned that comparing myself with others who are talented in their own respective fields is unhealthy for the mind and the heart. My only competition is my 2012/2013/2014 versions of myself. : )
I remember one time when I had this sad encounter. There was this person (we've already made up + have forgiven each other) who tried to make me feel so small and lashed out on me by making me feel guilty, and all of those negative feels + insults.. It was really depressing because it was a really new experience for me. *_*
Since I have already "upgraded" or matured that time, I just decided to become the bigger person between the two of us and I knew that this person was the one who was actually feeling insecure about him/herself. I asked myself many times.. "How could this person say and point out to me such accusations?" What I did was.. I defended myself & didn't fight back or stoop low by returning the below-the-belt comebacks. I withdrew and analyzed the situation with a clear mind & I just prayed for this person to have some kind of enlightenment (in which he/she did!). After that, I realized that when people treat you poorly or they bully you emotionally.. it is because they must be sad / depressed deep down and they take it against you. It is quite true that the way others treat you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. : ) I used to feel that I must have been the one at fault.. but I realized that this person is suffering from his/her own insecurities and he/she was trying to vicitimize me by lifting himself/herself up by trying to pull me down. Of course, a matured person wouldn't let that happen. And from the on, I would ask myself- "What would a matured individual do in this kind of situation?". : )
"Should you ever find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness, smallness, or insecurities remember things could be worse. You could be them." - Anonymous
In my opinion, it is okay to feel that you lack at some aspects in life. We all go through that. I think that what is more important is not the actual problems / fields that you feel you are lacking in. It's the way you react / handle these negativity / problems. How you deal with your insecurities is probably more important than the insecurities themselves. And that one should be careful on how to treat others instead... and one should try to avoid showing his/her insecurities by treating others poorly. TT_TT
If you are aware that you have these certain weaknesses, you can focus yourself more on your strengths instead.. which later on, can convert and turn your weaknesses into strengths too! Before, I couldn't even present / pitch my work to others / to the world. Now, it is one of my favorite "strengths". My future talks wouldn't be perfect / straight English but I know that I will have the confidence to deliver those effectively.
I might not be the brightest or the quickest to solve a simple math equation... but I believe that I am blessed in other aspects. And that is by having high EQ / emotional intelligence. I might not be the most beautiful person out there in terms of physical appearance but I believe that I have angles that I look at my best~ ^^ Before, I had trouble about self-affirmation because I felt that affirming oneself might mean being boastful / too proud.. but I was wrong. I think that self-affirmation at the right amount helps a lot! : )
Also, one of the things that I have learned from all of my experiences with relationships / friendship cases is that your crowd also has a role.
"I have insecurities of course, but I don't hang out with anyone who points them out to me." - Adele
Now, I would rather surround myself with people who lift me up as well. I do not want to waste my time to be in company with people who do not appreciate me + make me feel less than I deserve.
If I do have not-so-positive friends and acquaintances, I do try my best to influence them with my positivity and optimism instead. If they respond it back by draining my energy by being so negative + always bickering + judging other people, I respond back by distance. : )
And lastly, before I end this lengthy post~ here's a favorite quote of mine about insecurities and attaining success.
"Success can make you go one of two ways. It can make you a prima donna - or it can smooth the edges, take away the insecurities, let the nice things come out." - Barbara Walters
Nice things >>>> Prima Donna as always.
I wish you all the best, perfectly imperfect beautiful you!
Love, Kaila : )